5 Alternatives to Ghosting Your Therapist
Ghosted!
Boo!
And also booooo! Being ghosted is rough, whether it’s a personal or professional relationship. When a client stops contact suddenly, here are some of the things I experience. I’m sure many therapists can relate:
I worry about the client. Are they OK? If they have shared a fragile emotional state or even thoughts of suicide in the past, are they alive? Injured? Ill? Have they suffered a trauma?
I have been entrusted with their deepest thoughts and feelings and as a result I care about them and am invested in our relationship. I feel confused and hurt.
I offer acceptance and non-judgement. I don’t get defensive. I love honesty! I feel disappointed that they didn’t want to discuss the ending with me.
I feel sad not to have been able to say goodbye and wish them well.
I worry that I did or said something wrong without realising, and wonder if there is a way to repair this if I can.
I worry that I am losing my effectiveness. Could they just not face telling me that I am not helpful to them?
I use my time in clinical supervision to process the loss of the client and try to understand what happened.
Clients won’t know any of this of course. My priority is the client’s wellbeing so I will reach out to them once or twice more after they have missed a session or not responded to a message, but then I will leave it, even if they haven’t paid for their last session and owe me money, because I’m not in the business of increasing people’s stress and I don’t know their circumstances.
For some therapists, it may be water off a duck’s back. Maybe.
So let’s say you fear awkwardness or hate goodbyes, don’t want to tell them to their face that you can’t afford to continue or have found another therapist, or don’t think it’s working for you, instead of ghosting, how about these?
Message to say “On reflection I have decided to cancel our next session and end therapy for now as I would like to focus on other things. Thank you for your help.”
How about: “I have decided to take a break from our work for now. I wish you all the best.”
If you want to be brave: “I have realised that the style of therapy you offer is not the right fit for me, although I have appreciated your kindness and professionalism. I am going to seek support elsewhere. Thank you.”
“I have realised that I need to work with someone with a specialism in (e.g. OCD). Thank you for getting me started.”
Or even a white lie: “I am going to pause therapy for now and get in touch in the future if I need more support.”
A huge thank you to the 100s of clients who have completed their work with me - it’s so amazing to see you progress and thrive - and to those who have let me know they are ending early, even when it was hard to say so. Whatever’s right for you, I’m rooting for you!